So looks like this is really happening and I'm moving to Charlottesville. For Virginia, Charlottesville is gorgeous...I'm really impressed by it. Got a job as a mentor for children with communication disorders, which is what my grad work will be in. so yipee! real life. crap.
It snows there.
so I'm a college graduate now. way weird feeling. never planned for this. or anything after this. I thought I would be married by now with kids, but alas, I am not. so...sweet.
bff my ass.
Sam is going to India for the Spring semester. so yesterday was the last i will see her until may. MAY!?!?! I have spent almost everyday with this person for the last 2 1/2 years (minus summers) and now she is going to be gone for 5 months? that's not fair. even when I left the country it was only for 3 months and it was summer anyway, it was allowed...this..this is not allowed. I cried a little as I hugged her goodbye, but I didn't tell her that. we had a small cuddle session on the couch. I should've let her keep my sweatshirt, just so that she'll have me in India, or maybe so that a little of me will be in India. but now it's kind of my little part of sam that is home with me. I love that girl. it should be illegal.
I love talking about jazz music right now, because I feel so knowledgable and biased and angry at certain figures, as though I were an expert...it's pretty great.
I'm going to see Zach in Annapolis on friday! I love Zach! we have one of the most interesting relationships I've ever had with a person ever. and I think he would agree with me on that one. but it's great and we had a conversation the other day about how now that I graduated from college I'm going to call him with real life situations and its going to be weird when the whole "so he asked me to marry him" conversation happens. or what we're going to name the kids. for someone who lives pretty much as far as possible away from me while still in the U.S. we are very close. and I feel like that means something. That we survived dating and still are friends...that means something too. and it's nice to know that there is someone in my life that means something. I think that is important.
and i've never been to annapolis, so that'll be fun.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Graduated before exams were even over
I used to write a lot of poetry. I stopped for a while and only returned to it every once in a while. recently it was been flowing out of me more than usual and I figured I'd share one or two here.
this one I wrote for a class actually. I call it a rhythmic rhyme because "poem" is too prim for it and "rap" is too black. it's about romantic racialism, the idea that there is a split between the body and the mind and blacks have the body (they can dance, they work hard, they are earthy) and white have the mind (they are intelligent and civilized). This rhyme is about how I think this idea is crap because it is and because I want to be considered a good dancer. but I'm white.
race
the color of my face
the line never erased
with time
what kind
of divine
intervention will it take
to break
the fake
the imaginary line
the split between the body and the mind
why do I
get the mind
while you get the body
won’t somebody
tell somebody
that I want both of these
commodities
and I don’t see
why you can dance
and I don’t have a chance
to advance
just because of the color of my skin
do you win
do I win
this thin veil
lifts slower than a snail
and I want to impale
that idea
might be a
different way
to play
this stupid game
shuffle ball toe
uh oh
oh well
let’s just sit for a spell
this is it
the chance to meld
to create
a different fate
for the ones
the sons
those yet to come
the mid day sun
on the backs
of the blacks
as they worked
for the jerks
that ruined it for all the whites
so uptight
cannot swing
and it don’t mean a thing
if it aint got that swing
so we just sway
in our own dull white way
while you pop and you lock
and you blow them away
its not fair
I’m not my hair
I have a soul
I have soul
it's better if read aloud but this will have to do. My prof gave me snaps...it was funny.
that's all I have the courage to put up here right now.
this one I wrote for a class actually. I call it a rhythmic rhyme because "poem" is too prim for it and "rap" is too black. it's about romantic racialism, the idea that there is a split between the body and the mind and blacks have the body (they can dance, they work hard, they are earthy) and white have the mind (they are intelligent and civilized). This rhyme is about how I think this idea is crap because it is and because I want to be considered a good dancer. but I'm white.
race
the color of my face
the line never erased
with time
what kind
of divine
intervention will it take
to break
the fake
the imaginary line
the split between the body and the mind
why do I
get the mind
while you get the body
won’t somebody
tell somebody
that I want both of these
commodities
and I don’t see
why you can dance
and I don’t have a chance
to advance
just because of the color of my skin
do you win
do I win
this thin veil
lifts slower than a snail
and I want to impale
that idea
might be a
different way
to play
this stupid game
shuffle ball toe
uh oh
oh well
let’s just sit for a spell
this is it
the chance to meld
to create
a different fate
for the ones
the sons
those yet to come
the mid day sun
on the backs
of the blacks
as they worked
for the jerks
that ruined it for all the whites
so uptight
cannot swing
and it don’t mean a thing
if it aint got that swing
so we just sway
in our own dull white way
while you pop and you lock
and you blow them away
its not fair
I’m not my hair
I have a soul
I have soul
it's better if read aloud but this will have to do. My prof gave me snaps...it was funny.
that's all I have the courage to put up here right now.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I do not like green eggs and ham, so I will eat you Sam I Am
Sunday bloody sunday..
Ah the roller coaster that is my life. I could make so much money if there was a way to give out tickets for a 3 1/2 minute ride on it. I love it...don't get me wrong...but seriously...I might be on the truman show because sometimes I think that waay too much happens that feels like it right out of a movie. Movies aren't supposed to happen in real life....so maybe I'm not real...interesting.
the new question in life is: "what next?" sure I'll go to grad school and blah blah blah, but that won't be until the fall. so from december to august would do i do? Alli and brooke are going to be in Wiston-Salem and I'm pretty set on getting in on that action. Because I miss them more than almost anything and I miss North Carolina. Or maybe I'll just up and peace out to Cali like I've been trying to do for years. I'm applying to San Diego State University and if I get in...yeah won't be around here much longer. Or do i just stay at the 'rent's house and save money....they would say that the last option is the best...and obviously it is...but I only get to up and move whenever I want for a short time longer and then life, job, marriage and all that will hit me and I'll have to be responsible and mature and not leaving anymore. And from what I can see, it's not expensive to live in Winston-Salem.
I've also been thinking about scraping the get a job business and go back to Colombia for the semester. That would be amazing.
Am I running? yeah probably...I don't know why. no that's a lie. I do know why. I'm running because I've convinced myself that since he has a new girl then I have nothing to stay for. I'm not a very logical person. its not that I'm not logical...I'm just very passionate and dramatic and forget to stop and breathe and realize that I have so many good friends and people who care about me here. But by then I've gotten excited about the new experiences that await me on my adventure of running away. and it is no longer about what I'm running away from...but what I am running to. Sometimes when i get there I realize that I made a mistake...but sometimes...wow sometimes...its like heaven opened and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. so I never know whether to be cautious and safe. or be crazy and risky. but someone wise once said to take more risks.
I told you I wasn't logical.
you stay classy San Diego
Ah the roller coaster that is my life. I could make so much money if there was a way to give out tickets for a 3 1/2 minute ride on it. I love it...don't get me wrong...but seriously...I might be on the truman show because sometimes I think that waay too much happens that feels like it right out of a movie. Movies aren't supposed to happen in real life....so maybe I'm not real...interesting.
the new question in life is: "what next?" sure I'll go to grad school and blah blah blah, but that won't be until the fall. so from december to august would do i do? Alli and brooke are going to be in Wiston-Salem and I'm pretty set on getting in on that action. Because I miss them more than almost anything and I miss North Carolina. Or maybe I'll just up and peace out to Cali like I've been trying to do for years. I'm applying to San Diego State University and if I get in...yeah won't be around here much longer. Or do i just stay at the 'rent's house and save money....they would say that the last option is the best...and obviously it is...but I only get to up and move whenever I want for a short time longer and then life, job, marriage and all that will hit me and I'll have to be responsible and mature and not leaving anymore. And from what I can see, it's not expensive to live in Winston-Salem.
I've also been thinking about scraping the get a job business and go back to Colombia for the semester. That would be amazing.
Am I running? yeah probably...I don't know why. no that's a lie. I do know why. I'm running because I've convinced myself that since he has a new girl then I have nothing to stay for. I'm not a very logical person. its not that I'm not logical...I'm just very passionate and dramatic and forget to stop and breathe and realize that I have so many good friends and people who care about me here. But by then I've gotten excited about the new experiences that await me on my adventure of running away. and it is no longer about what I'm running away from...but what I am running to. Sometimes when i get there I realize that I made a mistake...but sometimes...wow sometimes...its like heaven opened and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. so I never know whether to be cautious and safe. or be crazy and risky. but someone wise once said to take more risks.
I told you I wasn't logical.
you stay classy San Diego
Monday, November 3, 2008
Re-run so that I can find this later
The Ramblings of a Changing Person
originally published on facebook Saturday, June 30, 2007 at 4:06pm
I'm sitting at this desk, in this house, on the side of this mountain. The view from this spot could be one of my favorites in the entire world. I can see the entire city of medellin from up here. and the wind blows the curtains because Colombia don't believe in windows or walls. And as i sit here my mind wanders. so much so that it takes a lot of effort just to type this out.
I ponder my life up to this point. I ponder how I have lived, how I want to live, who I have been, who I am. I wonder about the future, I think about how many of my friends are already married and are having babies left and right and how I long for that in my life, but at the same long for the freedom to travel and see things. I enjoy my independence, I enjoy being on my own.
I find myself torn between wanting to return to school,family, and friends, but at the same wanting to just stay here and work in Acogida. Acogida is the government institution here for street kids. it's literally a zoo. and I fit in well there. I won a dance contest there yesterday. I relate to those kids, the lost causes. The ones that no foundation or rehab program will take or help because they are too old, or too violent, or too high. Prostitutes, travestites, every kind of messed up, hurting child you can think of is there. And they have stolen my heart.
They are so angry. One kid watched his mother stab his father to death. One kid watched the guerillas murder his whole family and he just barely got away. One kid was forced to be a child soldier but he escaped. One kid has one been on the streets for two weeks, his mom died of a drug overdose, he never knew his father. 14-year-old girls, pregnant, some with their second child. And all they want from me (besides money, which I don't have) is compassion. someone to give a crap about who they are as people, as children.
They have changed my life, more than I have changed theirs. Samantha says that I'm out saving the world, but I think in fact it is saving me. I remember what it felt like to wholly believe with everything in me that there was a God, that Jesus, his son, died so that I wouldn't have to be judged for all of the crap that I've done in my life. I remember what is like to have no doubt in my mind that what I believed was the not just the truth but was the only truth. And I remember being a wise person, I remember being a strong person, I remember being healed and seeing others be healed. But I remember being sad, depressed and alone.
I don't know what happened. I left, I traveled, I changed. I became much happier, but I began to doubt so much more. and as time has past, I doubt more and more. And being here does something funny to me. In a way I almost doubt more, because of the injustice. And in way, I can't help but believe but there has to be a hope. And the only hope I can think of is that Jesus loves the little children. I mean, if GOD loves them, the fact that no else does, doesn't mean as much. If the God of the universe wants them, then the fact that their parents don't seems less important. I'm not saying that it's ok for no one to love or want them, I'm just saying that those people are missing out.
Perrea is dead. That kills me. He was my favorite. He was a great friend. He got shot to death in september. I almost don't want to believe it. I keep thinking I'm going to him come around the corner at any moment. But he never does.
to a certain extent, I'm working with these kids for him. Because he was one of them. and he shouldn't have died. They shouldn't have to die, of starvation, or violence, or neglect. They shouldn't have to feel like they are the scum of the earth, the unwanted, the abused, the exploited. But they do. It has changed my perspective on life.
I'm not here to fix people. I'm here to love people.
I won't be back in the states for another month and half, part of me is glad. Because I don't feel whole yet. I'm getting healthier, I'm starting to believe again. To really believe. But I feel very far away.
originally published on facebook Saturday, June 30, 2007 at 4:06pm
I'm sitting at this desk, in this house, on the side of this mountain. The view from this spot could be one of my favorites in the entire world. I can see the entire city of medellin from up here. and the wind blows the curtains because Colombia don't believe in windows or walls. And as i sit here my mind wanders. so much so that it takes a lot of effort just to type this out.
I ponder my life up to this point. I ponder how I have lived, how I want to live, who I have been, who I am. I wonder about the future, I think about how many of my friends are already married and are having babies left and right and how I long for that in my life, but at the same long for the freedom to travel and see things. I enjoy my independence, I enjoy being on my own.
I find myself torn between wanting to return to school,family, and friends, but at the same wanting to just stay here and work in Acogida. Acogida is the government institution here for street kids. it's literally a zoo. and I fit in well there. I won a dance contest there yesterday. I relate to those kids, the lost causes. The ones that no foundation or rehab program will take or help because they are too old, or too violent, or too high. Prostitutes, travestites, every kind of messed up, hurting child you can think of is there. And they have stolen my heart.
They are so angry. One kid watched his mother stab his father to death. One kid watched the guerillas murder his whole family and he just barely got away. One kid was forced to be a child soldier but he escaped. One kid has one been on the streets for two weeks, his mom died of a drug overdose, he never knew his father. 14-year-old girls, pregnant, some with their second child. And all they want from me (besides money, which I don't have) is compassion. someone to give a crap about who they are as people, as children.
They have changed my life, more than I have changed theirs. Samantha says that I'm out saving the world, but I think in fact it is saving me. I remember what it felt like to wholly believe with everything in me that there was a God, that Jesus, his son, died so that I wouldn't have to be judged for all of the crap that I've done in my life. I remember what is like to have no doubt in my mind that what I believed was the not just the truth but was the only truth. And I remember being a wise person, I remember being a strong person, I remember being healed and seeing others be healed. But I remember being sad, depressed and alone.
I don't know what happened. I left, I traveled, I changed. I became much happier, but I began to doubt so much more. and as time has past, I doubt more and more. And being here does something funny to me. In a way I almost doubt more, because of the injustice. And in way, I can't help but believe but there has to be a hope. And the only hope I can think of is that Jesus loves the little children. I mean, if GOD loves them, the fact that no else does, doesn't mean as much. If the God of the universe wants them, then the fact that their parents don't seems less important. I'm not saying that it's ok for no one to love or want them, I'm just saying that those people are missing out.
Perrea is dead. That kills me. He was my favorite. He was a great friend. He got shot to death in september. I almost don't want to believe it. I keep thinking I'm going to him come around the corner at any moment. But he never does.
to a certain extent, I'm working with these kids for him. Because he was one of them. and he shouldn't have died. They shouldn't have to die, of starvation, or violence, or neglect. They shouldn't have to feel like they are the scum of the earth, the unwanted, the abused, the exploited. But they do. It has changed my perspective on life.
I'm not here to fix people. I'm here to love people.
I won't be back in the states for another month and half, part of me is glad. Because I don't feel whole yet. I'm getting healthier, I'm starting to believe again. To really believe. But I feel very far away.
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